


Tumblr Prompts

by pfreadsandwrites



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Awkward Flirting, Canon Universe, Character Death, Drabble, Drunkenness, Established Relationship, F/M, Flirting, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Miscarriage, Modern Era, One Shot, POV Hatake Kakashi, POV Second Person, Party, Prompt Fic, Prompts from my tumblr, Reader-Insert, Self-Insert, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:02:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27226996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pfreadsandwrites/pseuds/pfreadsandwrites
Summary: Basically one-shots from tumblr requests I've received that I'm crossposting to both platforms. More to be added as I write them. All Kakashi x reader (apart from a later one which will feature Yamato), either second person or third person she/her.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi & Reader, Hatake Kakashi/Female Reader, Hatake Kakashi/Original Female Character(s), Hatake Kakashi/Reader
Comments: 47
Kudos: 127





	1. 56 - Are you flirting with me?

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!! To celebrate a milestone on tumblr, I thought I'd do something nice for my followers and also practice my own writing by throwing myself out of my comfort zone. The post detailing the prompt rules are [ here ](https://pfreadsandwrites.tumblr.com/post/633120385244725248/100-follower-celebration)  
> and the actual list of prompts are: [ here ](https://imagines-bakeryforoldermen.tumblr.com/post/170366781287/prompts-list)
> 
> Not beta-read, and I'm trying my hand at writing fluffier, more self-insert/indulgent stuff so this is different from my usual style. Please forgive the awkwardness/clunky writing. I'm trying my best to improve and challenge myself. I am currently not open for requests!! But if you wanna have a chat with me about ideas about something i may get to writing, chat with me on tumblr. These will be updated sporadically as I am quite busy but I hope you enjoy. I would really love feedback and constructive criticism on these.   
> Also: yes i changed my AO3 username lol it's still me.

You let out a sigh - all too common a sound for you these days - and stared hopelessly at the flood of paper at your feet. Everywhere and anywhere, covering the entire cross-section of the hallway so neatly that you were tempted to just leave it there.

 _Of course_ , you muse bitterly. This was _exactly_ what you needed. Being dragged back to the hospital on your _one_ day off after having to work your ass off for a week - that wasn’t enough.

Neither was being tricked into taking the fall for one of the medical ninja who’d somehow fucked up the most basic procedure possible - that hadn’t been enough either.

And being lumbered with all the paperwork that was supposed to be the work of your underlings (normally humility would stop you from admitting it, but your patience was running thin) - of course, that wasn’t enough.

But dropping ever sheet of every document that you’d painstakingly and meticulously organised and filled out? This had better be enough, for your sake - and for the sake of anyone who’d have the misfortune to encounter you today.

You carried on gazing at the mess in front of you - praying that the sheer hope of your will would wish it out of existence.

You closed your eyes. You waited. You opened your eyes. Your own scribbles greeted you mockingly, and you could pinpoint whereabouts you lost your motivation on your handwriting.

So much for making it disappear.

You hunched your shoulders in defeat, and fell to your knees. Your tired fingers got to work, gathering the paper. Your head and eye sockets ached in tandem, more and more with each sheet you picked up. It just wasn’t _fair_. All this work you were doing, that you weren’t even supposed to be doing, thanklessly - and for what? You didn’t have time for friends, for yourself - you barely even washed your hair last night. Caught up in your own self-pity, it took you a minute or two to notice that you weren’t actually picking up your paperwork anymore - it was being handed to you.

You frowned at the hand in front of you, your weary brain attempting to make sense of the present. You recognised the hand - it was a man’s hand, a shinobi’s hand, adorned with fingerless gloves, large, strong-seeming - though subtly so, to the point where you could overlook it easily. You studied them a few moments longer when it finally hit you. These were _Kakashi’s_ hands. You’d noticed them many a time before. On the rare occasion you were sent on a mission, or most commonly when he’d end up back here after completing one, but his hands had left an impression on you. Many things about him left an impression on you, if you were being completely honest with yourself.

But you didn’t like to be completely honest with yourself. The realisation brought you back to the present, where you suddenly remembered that you’d just been gawking at this man’s hand, silently, while he’d been holding out something for you to take. _Shit_. You felt your cheeks heat up, and took the paper quickly.

“Sorry! Thank you!” You said quickly, looking at the paperwork, before finding the courage to ignore your embarrassment and blink back up at your helper. Kakashi just glanced back at you curiously - well, that’s what it seemed like, through his one visible eye.

“Something wrong, Y/N? You seem a little… spaced out,” Kakashi said slowly, and you felt scrutinised under his gaze. The smooth tone of his voice didn’t help cool down the heat in your cheeks, either. Good thing you did manage to wash your hair last night, though you were sure your exhausted mood wasn’t doing you any favours physically.

“Sorry. Overworked. Wasn’t expecting to see you here,” you explained, and you couldn’t help the smile that came to your face. He’d been discharged yesterday - not that you were his doctor, not this time, and not that you checked up on him when he came in and when he’d left - no, definitely not.

Kakashi hummed, but returned to helping you gather up the papers. He didn’t offer any explanation as to why he was here - you didn’t ask directly, after all. No chance he would admit it if you had, anyway. Instead, he smiled under his mask. He hadn’t expected to see you react this way - off guard, nervous - and even though you didn’t exactly seem like you had the energy to respond positively, you still were. It was all very… _adorable_. “I could tell.”

“Well, yeah - I really appreciate it, but you don’t have to help. You probably have something to do, right?”

“Right.” _Wait_ , Kakashi thought, _no._ How did you manage to catch him off-guard too? “I mean, no. I don’t. You look like you could use some help.”

“Oh, I’m okay, honestly. Just one of those days, you know?”

That was another thing. How you did everything by yourself, out of necessity. You didn’t seem to expect the same kindness you offered freely outwards. He smiled again, and went back to work again.

“I do know. And though I’m sure you’re okay, two hands are better than one - well, four are better than two - you know what I mean.”

You giggled, but didn’t even think to tease him further. He was always thankful for your kindness. “Okay. Thank you.”

Kakashi smiled, and gathered up the rest of the files. You didn’t seem to have to do much else after that. He seemed to hold them with so much more ease than you did, but that was to be expected. “Alright. Where am I taking these?”

He stopped you when you shook your head and tried to prise the heavy pile from his arms.

“I think I’m less likely to drop them than you are, Y/N.”

You opened your mouth to argue, before you realised that he wasn’t wrong. Instead, you relented, and began leading him down the hallway. It was nice to not have to do everything for a change, and it was even nicer that it was Kakashi of all people. “I appreciate it. I really am exhausted”

Kakashi winked. “Well, being exhausted agrees with you."

You blinked back at him. What did _that_ mean?

He paused, before his own mind went into overdrive. How were you supposed to take _that?_ Why was he incapable of saying something normal around you? The words fumbled over in his brain as he tried to correct himself. “I mean…You look good, even though you’re exhausted. Never mind.”

 _What is wrong with me_ , Kakashi chided himself, but his heart skipped a beat when he heard you giggle.

“Thanks?”

“You’re very welcome.” Well, he’d resigned himself to being an idiot now. At least he’d corrected himself. Somewhat. “You know, if you appreciate this, what say you return the favour for me in some way?”

“Are you flirting with me?” you asked quietly. Common sense would have dictated yes, but you still had to quell your own self-doubt.

“If you’re as busy as you seem to be, it probably won’t be likely, but…,” Kakashi continued on, before he registered your question. Suddenly he became thankful for his mask. It was a good thing you couldn’t see just how how hard he was blushing.

But you got an inkling anyway. “I could make it a little likelier. I could even return the favour this evening. But what did you have in mind? Not helping with _your_ paperwork?” You were teasing him a _little_ , by this point, but he didn’t mind.

“No, I meant -,” he stopped himself when he realised you were joking. “Wait. Are _you_ flirting with me?”

You laughed, as you opened the door to your office, and Kakashi’s eyes didn’t stray from yours as he carefully placed your work on your desk. Suddenly he felt a little bit braver - and maybe he would take you up on your offer.

You didn’t feel so angry about being called in, or the stupid medical ninja (even if he was still stupid), or dropping your hours of work. Maybe this was exactly what you needed, after all.


	2. 37. "Dance with me"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt 37: "Dance with me!"
> 
> Very fluffy, Rokudaime Kakashi, you are married and have a baby, are wedding guests and Kakashi has to nudge you to spend a lil time with him. That's it really.

You couldn’t deny that it was perfect.

The stars shone with all their glory tonight, illuminating the sky so beautifully that the paper lanterns and fairy lights hanging from the trees were superfluous. Still, it was the perfect complement to the light music and excited chatter of all the wedding attendants, under the hearth of the summer evening air. The warmth enveloped you like a blanket. You basked in the glow a little longer, gazing upwards whilst a serene hum escaped your lips. It was toasty enough to send you to sleep.

And you would have too, if not for the little bundle in your arms who’d stolen that opportunity from you for himself. His chubby little cheek pressed into your shoulder as you held him upright, the soft, wispy silvery strands tickling your chin. So you resigned yourself to sitting back and observing your surroundings. You didn’t mind, you had never been the best socialiser in the world - but it was more challenging tonight. Everyone was so jovial, laughing and conversing with one another without a care. They were surrounded by family, friends as they should be. Some romances were blooming, others finalising. And though you knew you were’t alone, of course you knew that, you still found yourself isolated. You always had a penchant for feeling this way, and you’d grown accustomed - but you allowed yourself to wallow in self-pity just this once. All in all, it was simple. You were missing your husband, just a little bit.

What was more depressing was that Kakashi was here too. Or was supposed to be - you actually had barely caught a glimpse of him the whole night. Just at the ceremony, and you managed to convince him to eat _something,_ and he took the baby so you could too, before yet another person whose name you couldn’t remember pulled him away to discuss some urgent business. You sighed wistfully, kissing your son’s head. You knew, _you knew_ he had the stress of making sure absolutely everything went smoothly tonight. It had accidentally turned into an international, diplomatic affair and it was yet another thing he had to deal with on top of his endless duties as Hokage. Running the village, protecting it, making sure it prospered - though it had somewhat become your headache too, you were lucky you and the baby saw him at all. You knew that. But it didn’t make it any easier, especially as you weren’t any less exhausted yourself.

All in all, it was simple. The atmosphere of this wedding, as beautiful and wholesome as it was, as much as you genuinely were happy for the couple and with everyone around you, reminded you that you were feeling just a bit lonelier than you had any right to be. Maybe it was selfish. Or maybe it was no one’s fault, and you should have just told him. That you were tired, that you knew he was tired, but you still missed him. A brief rustle of wind took you out of your thoughts, and you sighed again. This was silly, you decided. Getting caught up in your own drama was never fun, and you resolved yourself to enjoy the wedding and the happiness of others around you. You would tell him sooner or later anyway. 

“Ah. There you are, Y/N,” said a smooth, familiar voice from behind you. Typical of Kakashi to show up just when you’d decided you weren’t going to be upset anymore - but your face softened at the sight of him anyway. He always did look especially handsome in a suit, even if he still wore that damn mask with it. You could tell he was grinning widely under it, and you could see the pink at the tops of his cheeks. Had he drunk a little bit? 

Despite that, you weren’t going to let him get away with it that easily. “Here I am? I haven’t moved. There _you_ are, more like.”

“Right, I’m sorry,” he sighed, brushing a hand through his silver hair. “Sakumo’s sleeping, huh? Do you think he’ll be asleep a while longer?”

You nodded. “At least half an hour. Why…?”

“Good. Plenty of time,” Kakashi smiled, evading the question. After all this time, you still wondered how he dazzled you so much with a smile you couldn’t even see. Without any further explanation, he gently lifted your sleeping son from your arms before you could protest. You stretched out your arms - you hadn’t realised how stiff and sore they’d become. You watched him plant a masked kiss on the baby’s forehead, and turn to Yamato, who had begun to approach the three of you, no doubt to pull him away again. 

“Lord Hokage, I need-“

“Ah, great. Could you do me a favour?” Kakashi cut him off, and before he had a chance to refuse, placed the infant in the other man’s arms securely. “I need to borrow Y/N for a minute. Could you mind the baby for us? He’s asleep, so there shouldn’t be any problems.”

“Um, borrow me? Kakashi, where are you -” your emerging protest was interrupted by Kakashi just shushing you, squeezing your shoulders lightly to pull you up from your seat with gentle force.

“But Kakashi-,” Yamato stopped himself, before relenting with a sigh. He knew as well as you did that there was no refusing him where it counted. Besides, he wouldn’t admit it, but he’d found himself quite fond of little Sakumo anyway. “Fine. We’ll be here.”

“Thank you.” Kakashi turned to you. “Come on, you. You’ve been with the baby so much you haven’t been enjoying yourself.”

“But-“

“Don’t argue, come on. Come with your husband for a minute.”

You couldn’t think of much of a rebuttal, and curiosity piqued your interest, as did the prospect of being alone with him, even if it was only for a moment. You wordlessly let him lead you away, watching him with wide eyes. But when the music gradually became louder, and the space before you more open, your inquisitive eyes turned fearful. “No, Kakashi!“

“Relax, you need this. Don’t you trust me?”

“Yes, but this is out of our comfort zones!” Or you had thought so, anyway. He was definitely at least a little tipsy, you decided. You weren’t used to this, not from him. It was true that there already plenty of people on the dance floor, many of whom were varying levels of inebriated, so it didn’t really matter - but you still doubted yourself. You had never been _that_ couple. Even at your own wedding, you both had barely managed the attention.

Kakashi let out a sigh. “Don’t worry. You’ll feel better.”

“But I feel fine!” You argued, but you knew it was a lie before the words even left your mouth.

“You don’t, but I’m through arguing,” he chuckled, and kissed your cheek through his mask. “Look where you are! It’s magic!” 

You looked around. The dance floor. But still, you couldn’t remember the last time you had felt this close to him, and you didn’t find yourself objecting when he pulled you close. 

“Dance with me.”

You nodded, and thanked the heavens that the song playing was slow. You began to sway with him slowly, but you were still confused by his actions. “This isn’t like you. Did I really look so pathetic that I made _the_ Kakashi Hatake willingly get on a dance floor?”

He shrugged. “Well, aren’t you negative tonight? I’m more versatile than I seem, remember? I felt like dancing with my beautiful wife at a wedding. I’m crazy, I know.”

You chided yourself as you felt the heat swell in your cheeks and in your chest. How did he manage to make you feel like a teenage girl, after all this time? Slowly, you began to forget your surroundings and your thoughts were all filled with the man holding you right now. 

“Anyway, I figured I was working so hard trying to make all this come together that we should enjoy it for ourselves too. Especially you, with everything you put up with, for my sake,” he paused, before adding thoughtfully, quietly, “Besides, I’ve been missing you lately.”

You contemplated his words for a moment, before your rest your head against his shoulders. “I’ve been missing you too.”

“I don’t always get the balance right. I know that. And I’ll keep trying to improve. But I still don’t want you to forget that, at the very least.” His words were earnest, grave and husky as he whispered into your ear. Your heart would burst if you didn’t do something, even if it was little.

You smiled, and kissed his cheek. The fabric of his mask was comforting, somehow, and you could still feel his warm skin despite it. He breathed you in, and in that moment, all there was was the two of you and the music. 

No, you couldn’t deny that this was perfect. 


	3. 154. “There’s only one bed”/182. “I’ve wanted this for so long.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No actual NSFW this time around but a later prompt on my list will necessitate me to write some NSFW.  
> You are a medic, you are stuck in an inn with Kakashi. You heal him up but it leads to confessions.

“Alright, Kakashi. The innkeeper says there’s one room left. So _please_ just take it so you can rest up and I can treat you,” you pleaded.

Kakashi had dealt with the enemy quickly, but it had been your fault. Yes, you hadn’t expected him to show up and deal with your attackers the way he did, but there was no denying that you were the unprepared one, the reckless one. You hadn’t let yourself ponder why he had decided to follow you, or the fact that it was he of all people that had saved your life. And though he insisted he was completely fine, you noticed the way his eyebrows knitted together in a wince when he moved to get back up. Guilt coursed through your veins so readily that you were willing to push all context aside for the moment. You’d do anything to relieve the weight on your shoulders, even if it meant throwing yourself in a completely awkward and vulnerable situation with the man for whom you’d harboured so many feelings so long. 

He just sighed. You had been on at him to rest somewhere for the past hour now, instead of ignoring his suggestion to head back to the village, and he was just about ready to relent. In a way, he was glad his hunch was proven right, and that he’d been able to protect you - even though there was a part of him that was still frustrated by your absolutely _idiotic_ decision to take on this mission by yourself - but how long was he supposed to stay by your side?

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to. No, that wasn’t it at all. But he was running out of ways to explain himself. Why did he follow you? Why did he save you? And why did he snap at you for your behaviour the way he did? And why had you forgiven him so easily, taking his scolding as your appropriate punishment? But there was something else he couldn’t understand. The fact that he could calmly and swiftly obliterate whoever’d tried to harm you, but the prospect of being alone with you for much longer, in contrast, made his heart palpitate. 

Still, you could be stubborn when you wanted to be, and he couldn’t deny he needed a rest. 

“Well, I can see you’re not about to give up, so… fine. Thank you,” Kakashi acquiesced, and he had to avert his gaze from you when you beamed at him in appreciation. Ugh. You really were adorable.

When you both got to the room, your eyes travelled to the focal point. In the centre, against the wall, a bed. Singular. Bed. You felt your body temperature rise and looked around frantically, hoping for anything else that would work. Nope. Of course not, why would it? Eventually, your eyes accidentally met Kakashi’s uncovered one, and you stammered, jerking your gaze away.

He decided to help you out. He put his hands in his pockets, and stated, much too matter-of-factly, “There’s only one bed…”

Little did you know that that was all he could say. He was thankful for his mask, for it really fooled you into thinking that he was much more stoic about this than you were. 

“Um, yes. I’ll go to reception and-“

“You said that this was their only room.”

 _Right._ You were such an idiot. “Oh, yeah. Well, don’t worry - I’m not even tired right now, and I could sleep on the floor, and besides, you’re hurt right now and…” You didn’t know what you were saying, and instead opted to let your voice trail off. 

Kakashi didn’t say anything in response. He wasn’t going to let you sleep on the floor, he knew that. But he didn’t know what else to do, what else to say, not right now.

“Anyway, Kakashi, you have to rest first. You got hurt in that fight.”

He waved his hand dismissively. It was endearing how much you cared, but he didn’t allow himself to consider it further. He wasn’t sure if he liked how much you seemed to worry, either. Besides, if you got any closer to him, he didn’t know how long it’d be till he did something stupid, out of control. 

“No, you already agreed, remember? Let me take a look. I saw the enemy hit your chest really hard, and you’ve been wincing a little. I won’t take no for an answer. Lie back. We can worry about who sleeps where later.”

You went on at him for a little while longer, and in the end he fell back on the bed in resignation. He didn’t have the energy to argue with you. Instead, he put what little energy he had into focusing on your examination. Because there was no way he’d let himself focus on what was actually happening here. That he was alone with you in a room with only one large bed, that you were telling him to take off his flak vest and shirt now - no, he would lose his mind if he thought about it a minute longer. You were so close, even though you seemed to have recovered your professional medic persona now, your pretty eyes were so gentle and your voice was soft and - _no._ What was he doing? 

“Come on, your shirt. You’re even bleeding through the tear in it.”

You couldn’t believe what you were asking, and that you’d managed to sound so calm doing it. You were thankful for your training - always cool, always professional - even if you were going to have to see Kakashi shirtless. It wasn’t like you hadn’t treated him before, and seen his toned, strong body before but never like this. Never alone, in a bedroom, the atmosphere thick and heavy with the weight of the battle and with something else you couldn’t name yet. 

Kakashi did as you said, wordlessly, avoiding your eyes. And there he was, before you. You perched on the side of the bed, leaning over his body. His chest and face bare. The fact you had seen it before didn’t stop your hands from freezing where they were. You weren’t supposed to be fazed by his lean body, his battle scars, his broad shoulders, his handsome face - but you still were. Thankfully, you noticed his wound on his stomach and his bruises before long, and you were reminded of your duty. It wasn’t too deep, and you’d be able to close it, but it was substantial. He was in more pain than he’d admitted, that much was for sure. You cleared your throat, and turned to your medkit. 

“This will sting a little,” you warned as you began to clear his wound. He was resigned, and let out a grunt that was so small it might have been a whisper. He was used to this, you were reminded, and you readied your healing chakra at your fingertips. But you hadn’t forgotten that it was because of you that he’d ended up like this. “I’m sorry,” you whispered. It didn’t feel like enough, but it was a start.

He peered an eye open. Your hands were soft, and though the fact that you were touching him was sending his mind into overdrive, your quiet voice compelled him to look at you. “Well, you’re fixing me up right now. That makes up for it. Sort of.”

You smiled. “Right. But still. This was my fault. I was stupid.”

He hummed in agreement. 

Your smile turned to a frown. You weren’t expecting him to deny it and make you feel better, but he couldn’t he make this any easier on you, too? “But why did you come after me?” 

“You answered that question yourself. You were stupid. I _had_ to come after you.” 

“It’s not that I’m not grateful, but I’m asking _why_.”

It was Kakashi’s turn to frown. Were you really going to make him say it? He sat up, against better judgement, and let out a groan as you finished healing his wound. “You don’t know why I would come after you on what could be considered a suicide mission?”

“I didn’t know it would be a suicide mission! And I don’t understand, can’t you see I feel bad that you got yourself hurt because of me, and-” you stopped, your words catching up with your brain. He was staring at you now, an expression you hadn’t seen before. Maybe it was the fact you were seeing the rest of his face now, but his eyes were intent, more serious than what you were used to. But he wasn’t any easier to read. His cheeks had reddened slightly, but that didn’t mean much, you told yourself. Still, his scarred eye seemed to cut into you just like it had his skin. 

“Me getting hurt was better than the alternative,” he said simply. Something about that puzzled look in your eyes, the flustered tone of your voice… It was pulling at something deep within him. Maybe he should have just said it already. “I came after you because I couldn’t let anything happen to you.” 

“Sure, but you can’t let anything happen to anyone.”

He sighed. Were you being obtuse, or were you demanding he just _admit_ it? “You’re really going to make me say it?”

You weren’t sure either. “Say _what_?!”

“I don’t come running after just anyone, you know.”

“Right, so-”

“I couldn’t let anything happen to _you._ Because you’re more to me than just anyone”

Then, Kakashi’s lips moved into a smile. Strange how easy it was to say _after_ he’d said it. What was this feeling? He wondered as he felt the air around him become a little less dense. The burden of denying it for so long, like a stubborn over-resilient mule who'd finally shed his baggage, was gone.

You just stared back at him, mulling over his words. Was he really saying what you thought he was saying? 

“Y/N.”

“Kakashi,” you spoke at the same time, and it rendered you silent. When you saw that he wasn’t going to continue, you did instead. “I don’t want anything to happen to you either. That’s why I was happy to leave by myself the way I did.”

“Well… ” he began, and he suddenly seemed so much closer than before. His face was inches from yours now, and your eyes darted from his gaze to his lips, whilst his did the same to yours. He still wasn’t quite as sure of himself as he sounded, but he’d fooled you - and himself, and your reaction to his admission was letting him allow himself to do something stupid. Just this once. “Don’t scare me like that again, alright?” 

You nodded, but your eyes didn’t move from his. But he didn’t move at all. Had you misread the situation, again? Was he not going to kiss you, just now? Just when you were overcome by your doubt, and about to pull away from him and dart to the other side of the room, he silenced your fears. 

Before you knew it, Kakashi’s lips were on yours. His kiss was soft, but he still captured your mouth with gentle force, and you returned him with all the passion you’d been holding back for so long. _Finally._ He was kissing you. It was exciting, but familiar- like it felt right. Like you shouldn’t have wasted all this time. 

He switched your position without warning. You were laying back on the bed that doesn’t seem like such a problem anymore - and he was on top of you, exactly where he was supposed to be. 

“Your chest, Kakashi - you’re hurt still,” you protest half-heartedly, but you’re already settling your legs around him. You were exactly where you supposed to be.

“You fixed me up,” he explained simply, and you didn’t argue further. You could always fix him up again.

His hands grabbed your waist and pull you close, before they settle on your hips, as you run your fingers through his silver hair.

Kakashi pulled apart from you, looking for something in your expression. Any doubt, hesitance, the slightest inkling - and he would have pulled away. But you gave him none. Instead, you pulled him close again, and whisper into his ear. 

“I’ve waited so long for this.”

He smiled, and it’s enough for him to start kissing you again. Why had he wasted so much _time_?

“So have I.”


	4. 65. Did you do something different with your hair?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Modern AU, I don't know what your job is, I don't know what Kakashi's job is but know that it it's sexy and he has to wear a suit, also you have a pet pug called Pakkun :)

You weren’t on the friendliest terms with your mirror. 

Usually, you’d opt for a quick glance - a passive-aggressive greeting between the two of you - morning and night, when you washed your face. 

Today, however, was different. 

Today, you actually stayed, smiled - _smiled! -_ and ran your fingers through your newly coloured hair. You couldn’t turn away. Your grin was so bright that even your mirror didn’t seem like the over-critical bitch she usually was - she even let you watch yourself giggle. 

It was somewhat of a spontaneous decision - one of those things you’d always wanted to try, but had always second-guessed yourself out of it and assumed you always would - but so far, so good. 

You were sure hindsight would punish you for your newfound confidence later, as it so often did, but that was irrelevant at the moment. You never would have thought something as simple as changing up your hairstyle would have you feel so renewed, so refreshed, so ready to take on whatever the world would throw at you - what a cliche you were.

But you were a little too giddy to care. In fact, you’d rushed home, almost forgetting to profusely thank the stylist to whom you owed your new look and new vivacity, in an effort to get back before your boyfriend did.

You should have been ashamed to admit it, and you should have chided yourself - no self-respecting woman should seek external validation, right? Right? 

_Ah, who cared?_

Maybe you were just trying to spread your excitement. Maybe you’d never done something like this before, and you were curious as to how the one person whose opinion mattered most, who never expected anything so drastic from you, would react. Or maybe you just wanted to see Kakashi blush and tell you how much he liked it. (He would like it, right? _Right?_ )

Not that he was ever one to emote quite so outwardly, no matter how strongly he felt. But that didn’t matter. After all, you had learnt to read more into his nonchalance and tiny gestures where others didn’t. He noticed more than he let on, and all the tiny ways he showed it had you curious enough to see his reactions to most anything you could think of. Usually, he was frustrating, knowing your game and beating you at it effortlessly. But sometimes, just sometimes, you managed to catch him off guard, and fluster him for once.

You had an inkling that this would be one of those times. You’d kept your plans a secret, telling him that you would use your precious day off to spend the day at home and reacquaint with your old, neglected friend - sleep - and saw him off with a wave while your pet pug, Pakkun, eyed you curiously before curling up and closing his eyes again. The dog’s intelligence was always at odds with his lack of enthuse for anything troublesome, something he shared with Kakashi. When you did get home, he had only circled you for a minute before nudging your foot for a head rub, and had scurried away again when he was satisfied. Other than that, he didn’t seem to care. 

When your apartment door clicked again, Pakkun got up from his perch and ran to it, his curly tail even wagging slightly.

You frowned. 

_Rude_. He wasn’t ever an excitable dog, and though he had known Kakashi longer - he belonged to him first, after all - the fact that he hadn’t seem to care when you came home stung a little. But still, you were tempted to copy him and hurry over to your boyfriend. You didn’t though, even though your heart swelled and pounded underneath your chest with excitement. Instead, you pulled yourself away from the mirror, touching your hair once more for good measure, and followed the pug laxly. 

He looked good today, though. That was inane, he always did. But today, there was something even more attractive about him. The day’s heat had got to him, his silver hair particularly dishevelled, and he carried his jacket over his arm and his sleeves were rolled up to his elbows, and it was embarrassing how you _still_ blushed at the sight of his forearms. A little worn, you noticed, when he sighed as he dropped his car keys to the side and took off his surgical mask. Pakkun had registered this before you had - and a small smile drew on Kakashi’s face when he fell to his level to greet him.

“Rough day, huh?” 

Kakashi’s smile seemed to widen at the sound of your voice, but he didn’t get up right away, and carried on petting the pug. You couldn’t fault him that. “Let’s just say it’s remarkably better now. How was yours?”

“Mm, nice. Relaxing,” you mused, as he stood up and looked at you, fingers moving to loosen the knot of his tie. He paused for a second, and you wished you could read the expression on his face when he stared at you. He studied you for a moment longer, and his expression changed for a second - just a second - before he willed it neutral. It was a smirk, or a ghost of one, and you internally squealed. Damn this bastard, why did you care about his opinion so much anyway?!

“Alright, you don’t need to rub it in,” Kakashi chuckled, slipping off his shoes, and then his eyes met yours again. “Didn’t do much today?”

“Nope. Nothing at all,” you answered bluntly, trying to match his neutrality. You moved to turn away, and Pakkun glanced at you both. A strange noise emitted from him - you couldn’t really describe it, but you got the inkling that if he were human, it’d be a sigh - and ran back into the living room.

Kakashi sighed in turn. The two of them really were a perfect match. “Wait, Y/N. Have I upset you?”

You glared back at him. “No. You just got home, how could you have done that?”

He hummed in agreement, and when you were just about to give up and leave, he grabbed your wrist. His strength emanated from him effortlessly. Though there was no malice or force behind his actions, you were reminded of that time and time again. “Did you do something different with your hair?”

You scoffed. Too little, too late. “ _No.”_

“Come on, don’t be like that. My timing was off, but I was only trying to be funny. Let me look at it.”

Your hands came up to your head in a feeble attempt to cover yourself, but you continued to glare at him. His bigger ones met yours, and pulled them away gently. The movement was surprisingly tender, and you found yourself feeling hot and nervous under his gaze. Kakashi’s fingers ran through your hair just as yours did earlier, studying the new hue of your strands even more intently than you did. When he didn’t say anything after what felt like minutes, you spoke to fill the silence.

“Just something I did on a whim. I don’t know. I like it, but it’s a little crazy, I guess, by my standards. What? Say something. Don’t you like it? Because-“

“Y/N,” Kakashi interrupted, with a chuckle. You noticed his cheeks had reddened slightly, but you didn’t let yourself believe it was because of you. “I like it.”

“Oh! That’s good.”

“In fact, I love it. In fact, I think it’s beautiful,” he said quietly. He was definitely blushing now, and you began to let yourself believe it was because of you. When you didn’t say anything, he scratched his head, and carried on. “That’s not to say it wasn’t before! It’s just different, but still, it’s - ugh.”

You giggled. It was always worth it to see him flustered. Not that your satisfaction lasted very long. His strong arms were underneath you suddenly, and then he was carrying you. Great. Now you were the flustered one. But you hugged his neck for support anyway. 

“I’d like to get a better look, in the bedroom. What do you say?”

“Okay,” you smiled, kissing his cheek, a little stubblier than it normally was. As if you would ever say anything else. 

Behind you, you heard a little, familiar bark, and the both of you turned your heads. Pakkun decided to check on you once more, his deep brown eyes boring into both of your souls. You both laughed, and he left once again, satisfied. And suddenly you remembered. 

“Wash your hands first, though.”


	5. REQUEST - 'Kakashi comforting his S/O'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So these were supposed to be picked from a prompt list, but a sweet anon asked for this and I kinda wanted to write a lil something for it? This is actually my favourite one so far but Idk if you'll like it. The chapter title says it all.

You give your smiles away as if they were nothing.

As if you have no idea what a precious gift they are to their recipients, as if you have no idea that they’re pearls. Kakashi knows you don’t, and if he had any inkling as to how to enlighten you to your mysterious power (a power more unfamiliar and more unbelievable than anything he’s ever experienced) - he would have by now. But you don’t know. How could you?

How could you know that, that ridiculous, incredible fact?

(That your smile had saved him - more than it made sense to, more than he had saved anybody else)

You do it without thinking, when the other person deserves them least, when _he_ deserves them least. It’s not just uplifting, easing. It makes a man like him, a man grounded so close to the earth he waits for the day he can finally be buried in it - (he’s much more conflicted about that now than he used to be) - feel close to the heavens. A miracle.

When Kakashi makes it home - he’s later than he’s supposed to be, he’s so sorry, but he knows that you forgive him, you always forgive him, against all better judgement - you greet him with your smile, against all better judgement.

But he notices. He notices that you faltered just for a moment. That you hesitated, and made the choice - a choice that was too kind - to smile at him anyway. You keep it going just a little too long, an obvious attempt, for Kakashi’s sake (always for his sake, for _everyone’s_ sake as long as it’s not yours), to recreate some normalcy. Even when it’s taking so much out of you to do so.

Kakashi speaks first. “Hey, Y/N. Sorry I’m late.”

“Ah, you’re earlier than I expected,” you giggle, dismissing his concern with a wave of your hand. You don’t look at him as you say it, and you’re normally keen to dissolve the distance between the two of you as soon as possible. You’re trying to dismiss yourself, too. “How was your day?”

Sometimes it’s so difficult for him to watch you brush yourself off for no reason at all. For him (no reason at all). How ill-suited he was to you, how you could have found someone more sensitive, more cheerful, more attuned - but you’re still here. Against your own better judgement. And against his own, he lets you be. 

He takes off his shoes and removes his flak vest and headband, but his gaze doesn’t leave you. “Well, I’m glad to be back home. What about you?"

He watches you pause. Think for a split second, and avert your gaze, squeezing a fistful of your hair in your hand. You smile again, the pale imitation that hurts him almost as much as he knows it’s hurting you. “Good. Glad you’re back home too.”

He’s not so guiltless as to let you go on like this. That would be too cruel, after everything you do for him without thinking, and watching you try to be strong is crueler on him still. 

So he makes to approach you first. When you look up at him, your pretty eyes widened and bewildered, you’ve never looked so diminutive. Like you’re trying to shroud yourself. “…Is everything okay, Y/N?”

You seem taken aback - and again, you choose not to look at him. “Um, yeah.”

The hesitance is as good an admission as any, so he doesn’t push you further. He only continues to look at you. Past experiences remind him you need little coaxing. But you’re rarely given the same time and care you show others (not that you even give them the chance). 

“It’s nothing, I guess. I just -,” you stop yourself. But he’s proven right. Your voice has already cracked and you’re blinking in vain to hold back a river behind your lashes. The dam has burst, and though you don’t say much more, you don’t need to. He silently brings you into his arms. The way you melt into his chest has him chiding himself. Why did it take so much? Why did he have to think so hard? You tremble against him, and the dampness on his shirt follows suit. 

“It’s not nothing, angel,” Kakashi reminds. His voice takes on a huskier tone without intending to. He feels you tighten at the pet name - you’re not used to it, it’s too sentimental - but you should be. He doesn’t call it you often, not aloud, but it’s what you are. An angel. His saviour. A piece of heaven that he should protect better. That he should comfort better. But he knows that you, the angel that you are, don’t hold it against him. So he’s not willing to doubt himself any longer. When he holds you like this, it’s impossible to. He’d suffer a thousand times over so you wouldn’t have to. He knows that much would be true in a battle. So how could it not be true here?

You lift your head again. You’re still a little shy to look at him, but you do anyway. And when Kakashi’s thumbs, strengthened and calloused from years of arduous missions and sacrifice, take your soft jaw in hand and move to your eyes, more tears meet them. He wipes them away. Maybe somehow, in this tiny gesture, _somehow_ , you understand what he’s trying to tell you. That he’ll always be here. That it’s never nothing, that it didn’t matter even if it was. That he’ll always wipe them away. 

You seem to understand. You sniff. Your lips tug upwards at the corners. Just for a second, but Kakashi saw it. Fleeting, but genuine.

You give your smiles away as if they were nothing. 


	6. 92. “Are you drunk?”/ 67. “Stop being so cute.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi is dragged against his will to a party. It's not all bad though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ughhhh I have such bad writer's block and I struggled so hard to write this, fun fact, I started writing this thing like 10 different times and it just wasn't flowing for me. I'm still not happy with the finished result but i hope you guys like it!

Kakashi doesn’t know why he’s here.

The beat of the bass blares through the ground beneath his feet and thuds through his ears before he even touches the door handle. He sighs, an attempt to gather the semblance and motivation he’ll need to carry through this. He curses Asuma and Gai under his breath. Just why had he let it get this far?

 _Just a few drinks._ That’s what he’d promised Asuma, before he knew the details, before he realised - he recoils internally - that this was going to be a _fucking_ _party_. At which point, Gai had latched onto the conversation and it quickly reached the point of no return. There was no escaping it. He wondered briefly if the two had conspired against him, an evil scheme to force him out of his comfort zone because why the hell not? It wasn’t like they had anything better to do. 

He considers retreating for a moment, just going home and pretending he forgot he’d ever agreed to this stupid thing, even if it meant subjecting himself to their reprimands the next day. 

And Kakashi very nearly does, before Gai’s ridiculous, incessant grin floods his mind involuntarily, as it so often does, and he’s reminded of his promise (threat) that if he dare not show tonight, he’d be dragged back. 

So he relents, not before sighing again, and opens the door. _It’ll be quick_ , he readies himself - he’ll buy a drink, show his face (figuratively) enough to get those ‘friends’ off his back and then he’ll bounce, no questions asked. 

Of course, when he does set foot inside, he’s tempted to retract all that and disappear then and there. The music that’s too loud (if he can even call it music), the light that’s too dim, the people that are too many and too tipsy - it’s not worth it. Not tonight. 

But before he can even scan the room to plan an escape, as if on cue, an overenthusiastic voice calls out behind him with an accompanying jab in the shoulder. It’s familiar. Slurred, but familiar. 

“Kakashi! You’re -,” Gai can’t even get out his third word before he hiccups, “two hours late!” He makes up for it by increasing his volume proportionally. 

“Surely it can’t matter if I’m late to _this_?” He quips, shoving his hands into his pockets. Looking at him is trouble enough. The man can barely _stand_ , and when he points a finger at Kakashi to express his outrage, he all but loses his balance. He does his best to glare, but he can’t keep his focus for more than three seconds. 

“Of course it matters! You single-handedly ruined our plan! All that hard work, and for what? Nothing! I don’t even know where she-” The hue of his cheeks change, as does the look in his eye. He covers his mouth. Once again, Gai’s forced to cut his scolding short, and he races off in the opposite direction.

Not that it matters. Kakashi has no idea what plan he’s supposedly ruined, but he can’t say he has any remorse for it. In fact, he’s more than a little amused. It’s nice, fitting, that Gai’s so frustrated. A little payback for this ordeal, even if it isn’t enough.

Still, one drink couldn’t hurt. 

He makes his way to the bar, but Gai’s words scuttle through his brain. _I don’t even know where she -_ ordinarily it would have been cryptic, but the broken sentence pieces everything together. Why he had been so insistent that Kakashi show up tonight. Why _your_ name had come up oh-so-casually just before Asuma swiftly changed the subject and suggested they go for drinks, just the two of them. Why he had quietly gone along with it when Gai suddenly morphed it into something much bigger. _Of course._

It seemed so obvious now. He brushes over the vexation at Gai and Asuma’s meddling and instead chastises himself. How could he have been so stupid? 

He contemplates it further once he’s waiting for his drink. It really doesn’t make sense. Were his interactions with you that obvious? That pitiful that they felt no choice but to get involved? Because if he and you came across that way to others, it was news to him. Granted, he knew nothing about how he felt about you. Or you him. 

All he knew that he didn’t like that his chest had this terrible habit of flaring up around you, and now, apparently, when thinking about you too. Avoiding you is easier, and he decides that he’s going to do just that. After his drink, of course. 

It arrives, the nutty aroma of the sake that meets his nose a welcome distraction - but no such luck. The cup is snatched out from under him before he can even touch it. The scent is quickly replaced with that of cigarettes. 

“I think you owe me this.”

“How’s that?” Kakashi frowns but doesn’t bother trying to get it back. It was his own folly to expect anything good tonight.

Asuma meets his glare with his own, and holds it while downing the sake in one shot. “Because I’m doing you a favour.” He continues before Kakashi can even protest. “Go outside now. Trust me.”

“Trusting you hasn’t worked well for me so far, you know. Besides, I just got here.”

“As if you’re not looking for an excuse to get out of here.” He downs the sake in one shot. “Come on, it’s for your sake. You know you’ll regret it if you stay.”

“Well, I trust that. What I don’t get is why you were so insistent I be here in the first place.”

“That was Gai. What _I_ wanted was a drink from you, which I just got. So go on. It’s easier to leave through the back.”

He doesn’t have the energy to provide a rebuttal. Though there’s definitely more to Asuma’s explanation than just _that_ , he has neither the motivation nor the patience to pull it out of him. He’s not wrong, after all. Though it would have been better to have stayed in tonight, getting out of here is the next best thing. He probably looks stupid, walking out when he’s barely just walked in, but he can’t say he cares. 

Barely five minutes have passed before he’s outside, heeding Asuma’s advice and escaping through the back exit. And it’s barely five seconds before something bumps his shoulder for the second time tonight. It’s nowhere near as powerful as the first, barely a gentle nudge. 

“Ah - I’m sorry!” 

Again, for the second time, the voice is familiar. Again, unlike the first, it’s gentle. Kakashi turns around, and the sight of you attempting to shuffle away as fast as your stumbling legs would allow you freezes him. Just for a moment, and his hand extends to steady you before he can even control himself. Luckily, you don’t seem to mind, so he doesn’t doubt himself too much. In fact, you almost seem… grateful? Almost.

Was this the meticulously planned scheme? To throw you out here, just to torment him? Just before the irritability takes over, he makes the mistake of glancing back at you. And just like that, he’s unnerved instead, that unwelcome heat in his chest bubbling up again. He’s never seen you like this before. He’s not an idiot, not completely - of course he’s always known how attractive you are. It was just easier to ignore all the other times fate (or idiots) have thrown you two together. Not tonight, though.

Your dress is… flattering, to say the least, and though he’s accustomed to beautiful women, here you are. Flustering him. As if aware of this - like you as it is to always alleviate a situation, even when completely smashed - you hiccup and lose your balance. The distraction is welcomed and Kakashi focuses on catching you, instead. It definitely wasn’t effortless, but he’s glad he can make it seem that way. You thank him profusely, but he notices you haven’t looked at him yet. Whilst it’s not a bad thing that you don’t recognise him, letting you wander away in your current state into the night just doesn’t sit right with him.

Which was probably what Asuma, that _bastard_ , was counting on. Clearing his throat, he says your name. 

You blink, and finally, there’s a glimmer of realisation in your eyes, even if they’re still hazy. “Kakashi?”

He nods, and the way you stammer and almost trip again in response eases him. Trust you to do the impossible without even trying. “Are you drunk?”

You raise your hand as if answering a question in class. “No! I’m just tipsy, and chatty and…” You give up on your sentence and on yourself in the same breath. “Yes. Fine. I’m drunk.”

“I’ve never seen you drunk.”

You let out an exaggerated sigh, before posing dramatically with your arms stretched out. “Well, here I am! Y/N L/N, wasted - shit,” you curse, as your moment of pride is interrupted by your knees’ failure to keep up, but Kakashi catches you swiftly. You let yourself melt into him, just for a second, and his breath hitches. “Okay. I’m not used to… any of this.”

He hums in agreement. He definitely believes that. “What are you doing here, then?”

“I was _dragged,_ ” you complain, “by my so-called _friends!_ I’ve been trying to leave for like two hours but Kurenai only let me now.”

Two hours…? The exact time by which Gai had reprimanded him for being late? Kakashi sighed, but the thought of you waiting around hit him with a pang of guilt. “Yeah. I was roped into coming here too.” 

“Well, how long have you been here? It would have been nice to have seen you.” You stop, contemplating the implication of your words. It takes a little longer in your current state, but you visibly panic, and it helps Kakashi forget about how red he is under his mask. “I-I just mean, it would be nice to have someone else that hates this kind of thing to commiserate with…” Your voice is wistful, and suddenly he’s the most peaceful he’s been tonight. 

“Ah. Yes, it would have been. I’ve only been here about five minutes, though.” His voice becomes quiet to match yours, and you both mull in the peace for a moment, before you giggle. 

“Oh. Is that all you could take before leaving? I’ve been here _way_ longer.”

He smirks. “Yes. You said already. It’s much easier when you’re wasted, right?”

“Yes - Wait, _no._ I’m just braver than you.”

He can’t deny that. “That might be true. I don’t know if I would last two hours without you in there.” He doesn’t think about the connotations, otherwise he wouldn’t have said it at all, but you’re easier to talk to when you’re drunk. Though the way you stare at him almost has him rescinding that statement.

“Ugh, stop being so cute,” you mutter. Well, Kakashi can tell you intended to mutter, but he hears you. And you know it too, because your hand covers your mouth and you gasp. When he looks at you intently, you shift again and your gaze darts anywhere that isn’t him. You release yourself from his support - the way you sigh makes it seem reluctant - and back away. “Anyway, I, uh, better go home now.”

“That’s probably a good idea.”

“Yep. See you later, Kakashi!” He watches you stumble away, absent-mindedly for a few seconds, before his brain catches up with him. _Wait._

“Y/N. I’ll walk you back.” 

You shake your head. It’s a habit of yours, to deny help even when you need it - not out of independence, but kindness - and he’s accustomed to it. But he can’t let you walk away tonight. For starters, you can barely walk at all. “I’ll be fine.”

“We’re not debating this,” Kakashi says simply. Apparently, your inebriated state saps at your will, and you give in, easier than he expected.

“Uh-oh, you’re using your serious voice. Fine. Thank you.”

He holds out his arm for support, but still finds himself blushing when you to hold on to his arm so suddenly. You really have a penchant for making him feel like an idiot, in a way no one else can.

You’ve sobered up, more or less, by the time you’re at your apartment door. You can support yourself now, and Kakashi is much less anxious about leaving you alone. Of course, now he’s anxious about a hundred other things, but he takes some comfort in the fact that he’s not the only one. The way you gaze at him, but avert your eyes when he meets it. The way you second-guess yourself after every other thing you say. The more certain you are you mess up the easier things are. 

The walk was nice. Sometimes quiet, sometimes pensive - sometimes you said something ridiculous, sometimes he did, you even laughed together - but all in all, it was nice. He couldn’t deny that. It was also too short. He couldn’t deny that, either. 

“Thank you. Sorry for the trouble.” You speak first, and there’s a ghost of a sigh in your voice. 

“No problem,” Kakashi smiles. You both settle in a comfortable quietude, and he leans against the doorframe. “I don’t think you’ll be drinking again for a while.”

You nod in agreement. “Not what it’s cracked up to be. But still, I’d like to do it again.”

“You would?”

“N-not the drinking! I mean, this.” You stammer, and your flailing warms his heart a little. So even though he knows exactly what you mean, he lets you explain yourself. “The walk. Hanging out. It was nice. Um-“

He grants you mercy. “Yes, it was. I’d like to do it again too.” 

“…You would? That’s… good.” You gaze hits the floor, and Kakashi feels as if his heart would burst. You were just too damn endearing. What was that thing you said, earlier, outside that hell of a party?

Ah.

“Stop being so cute.” 


	7. 160. "Do you think you could teach me that?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Four vignettes of how one might learn from another in a relationship. 
> 
> (third person, unnamed female character)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my new favourite prompt, hehe. Brief NSFW warning in this one - there is a paragraph that describes this in some detail. Nothing explicit but thought I'd warn you. 2.7k.

i.

It’s a simple question. 

Of course, it’s also a pointless question, one that Kakashi’s sure she’ll see through, one that he shouldn’t even think about asking. 

Of course, he’s in the hospital again. Of course, _she’s_ the one with the misfortune of tending to him again. Of course, he’s mesmerised while her hands dutifully wrap the tourniquet around his arm, like she’s cutting off the blood to his brain. 

So, _of course_ , he asks it without thinking. 

The self-admonishment starts before the words finish leaving his mouth.

 _Do you think you could teach me that?_

His cheeks heat up as the words catch up with him. They echo again and again, serving only to jeer at him further. What the hell is he thinking, making a request like that? A request that’s so nonsensical, so outlandish, so flimsily shrouding its true intent that she’d be justified in ridiculing him right there. 

But it’s done now. Here he is, asking a bizarre favour of a civilian woman already doing him a favour.

Kakashi’d be content if the ground gives away underneath him, snatching him from this damn hospital bed. When he ponders the situation further, and he finds himself contemplating her reaction - no doubt a bewildered, adorable expression would grace her beautiful features (God, how much deeper could he get?) - he almost wants to slap himself. How did he go from the Copy Ninja, Konoha’s best jounin, to an awkward dork so swiftly and smoothly? Not only that, but she hadn’t even _said_ anything yet. Kakashi wanted to die. 

Fortunately, she only pauses. Unfortunately, her delicate fingers still against his skin, and the sensation flusters and soothes him simultaneously. But it’s only for a moment, before she diligently returns to the task at hand. Even if she’s surprised, or worse, amused, she knows to conceal it. Taking his question seriously in that earnest way that only she can. It should have eased his mind, but instead there’s only guilt at having perplexed her. 

“…You want to learn this? Don’t you have enough on your plate?” She asks, bereft of judgement or ridicule. 

He shouldn’t have expected any less, he knows that, and yet he still finds himself on the edge. On that precipice between anxiety and comfort, where he’s always standing around her. He can’t even formulate a response to her simple question. Yes - he probably did have enough to do. And yes, he wouldn’t have got this far without _some_ knowledge of first aid and basic medical ninjutsu - and she probably knew that too.

“I could probably manage. It’s not a problem if you don’t have the time.” As typical as it is for him to answer a question without explaining himself further, he berates himself for it this time. Why had he made this so convoluted? And why does she let him? 

“I could probably make time,” she retorts, though her voice remains gentle. “I just didn’t think there’d be anything useful you could learn from me, or that you didn’t already know.” 

_Nothing useful you could learn from me, or that you didn’t already know._

This time, her words echo in his mind. They’re just as kind and nudging as he thought they would be. But that didn’t mean they were any less ridiculous. 

Apparently, there’s nothing he can learn from her. Nothing she can teach him. 

Nothing he can learn from the woman who always smiles so brightly and indiscriminately at anyone who graced her that it renders them all equal - turning everyone from the grumpy old curmudgeon to the innocent newborn to cheerful, optimistic entities at her mercy. Nothing he can learn from her inability to use her mysterious power for anything but good, to see the value in everyone, in _him_ , against all better judgement.

Nothing he can learn from her selflessness, and her weird knack for chiding herself for her momentary lapses in kindness, for things others don’t think twice about. Nothing he can learn from her patience and empathy in the most ridiculous situations, and her faltering in it when she draws the attention inwards.

Nothing he could learn from the woman who’s determination to revel in life, even as the opposite surrounded her, surrounded _him_ , surrounded everyone in this cursed village, managed to bring even the heavy weight of death to its knees. Nothing he could learn from the woman who didn’t even seem fazed by it, as she tended to the hospital’s neonates with a giggle and a zest for life that he barely comprehends, much less hopes to emulate.

If - he surprises himself at his optimism, but he owes it to her - he’s incapable of learning nothing from all that, then there isn’t much hope for him at all. And if there’s one thing she inspires, if he can even pick one, it’s hope. 

Kakashi eventually stops ruminating. And of course, she lets him. A wry smile forms on his lips. “I wouldn’t say that.”

She glances back at him expectantly. Curiously.

“I think there’s a lot you could teach me, you know.”

She’s already taught him without intending to, he remembers, when she doesn’t press him for an explanation. She only smiles that shy, powerful smile.

But they both know it’s acknowledgement. Of what he’s trying to say, of what he’s asking her in his awkward, haphazard way. Kind as she is, even if she shouldn’t be, she agrees.

***

ii.

And so, ever the one to keep her promise, she sets about teaching him. And Kakashi, ever the one to falter, but never one to abandon, keeps coming back. He’s a quick learner in more ways he thought. 

She teaches him that finding something to smile about in the day is easier than it seems.

She teaches him to laugh when he drops by the hospital to see her and a very small patient points at his hair and berates him from escaping from the geriatric ward. 

She teaches him allowance for his mistakes, and respite for his suffering. 

She teaches him what a fool he’s been for denying himself an embrace all these years. 

She teaches him that a kiss might be more eternal, more damning, more fate-consigning that it has any right to be. 

She doesn’t have to teach him just how intoxicating, addictive it is to kiss her between the legs. She doesn’t have to teach him just where and how to move his tongue before she’s tugging at that wild silver hair of his. And when he moves in her, when she clutches onto him for dear life, whispering his name in that weak, but lingering whimper, when their breaths mingle together and she manages to exalt everything from him - his love, his strength, his seed - she doesn’t have to teach him that though the price of vulnerability is high, the reward is even higher. 

She teaches him, when he dares ask what he sees in a man like her, that there’s an answer to that question that satisfies him. 

She teaches him that whilst leaving for a mission used to be easy, it might one day become difficult - even for him, the one who has over a thousand under his belt, the one who only has that many because he wished one would kill him. She teaches him to admit that, too. 

And when it does become difficult, just as she taught, he learns that a person waiting back home is much more motivating than a death wish could ever be. 

She teaches him to forgive himself, as she begins to accompany him on his graveside visits. She teaches him that there’s a chance - a small chance, Kakashi admits, but a chance nonetheless - that there’s more for his life than living it as a penance to ghosts. 

She teaches him that dreaming isn’t just for the young, the idealistic, the good. It’s for the hurt, tired veteran too. 

She teaches him that hearing those three words aren’t as terrifying as he’d convinced himself all these years. 

He learns, when he finally returns them, that he should have said it back long ago. Because it was all worth it just for that look on her face. 

***

iii.

Their time together, dreamlike as it is, is always interrupted. 

She’s used to it, calmly nodding in his direction at the summoning bird that’s taken to pecking at her window now too. He nods in kind, and with a quick kiss, he’s off on his next mission. She’s always accepting, always understanding, but the patient stare that bores into his back as he leaps off towards the gravestone (an eternal part of the farewell ritual) belies her anxiety.

Still, Kakashi does make it back. And he does again and again. Sometimes his returns are at the hospital - and that expression of hers, where she doesn’t know whether to chide him for his injury or cry that he’s still in one piece - fills him with equal parts guilt and encouragement. 

She still never loses that smile, though. The smile that everyone knows.

He has to leave it behind again.

He makes it back. Without a scratch, for once, but figures he might surprise her at the hospital anyway. Strange. He used to be so good at avoiding this place, and now it’s the first place he comes to of his own accord. It’s just another way he’s lost against her, but he doesn’t begrudge it. Maybe he wants some praise for being more careful, but he won’t admit that outright. Maybe he’s getting worse and worse at waiting for that smile, too.

His optimism is never rewarded. He’s been through enough to remember that, but he’s still foolish enough to forget. 

It feels different, today, walking through the corridors that she’s made so inexplicably light, so jovial. She easily leaves her mark without trying, to the awe of shinobi and civilians alike. 

So when the atmosphere is dense, experience teaches him to dread it. He asks at the front desk, forgetting his tendency to hide all he can about his personal life. The woman stares up at him with wide eyes, hesitating before regaining her composure.

“(Name) isn’t working at the moment. She’s in room 175.”

She doesn’t say anything else, but it wouldn’t matter if she had. The familiar dread creeps up through his bones.

He’s prepared himself for the worst by the time he’s at her room, but it’s moot when he sees her lying there. She’s lost all her colour, she’s thinner - everything about her that’d remembered these few weeks had become so _weak_. Her vivacity, her will to endure, had even fooled him. But she was just as fragile as anyone else. Except for him. Why the fuck couldn’t he break, instead of someone else, instead of something that meant anything just this one fucking time?

He sits at her bedside, his calloused fingers touching her dainty ones. She’s only sleeping, at least. Purple and blue spread like constellations over her skin, bandages on her arms and cheeks - the kind of injuries he’d expect on a ninja. _Of_ a ninja too. Thoughts upon thoughts flood his mind - how the hell did this happen? Who did this to her? If she’s not safe in the damn village that he fought to protect, where the hell could she be safe? 

And, of course, the curse that he’s done so well to forget he has. Did this happen, somehow, because against all judgement, he had let himself become close to her? It makes sense that he’d only be able to fool himself to a point.

And, of course, as if to shush his self-loathing and anxiety, in that fucking selfless way she always did, that broke his heart even more - her fingers move against his.

She blinks her eyes open slowly and turns her gaze to him. She doesn’t have the energy to smile, but she tries to mimic it in the look in her eyes.

“I wasn’t expecting you back so soon.”

He clasps her hand tight - and lets go just as quickly when she winces. “What the hell happened, (Name)?”

She softens her gaze. “It’s funny that I’m the one that ended up like this, when you’re the one that went out on a mission.” Her tone is light, but somehow the hum of her voice brings gravity, whether she wants it to or not. 

She won’t answer his question. As if she feels guilty that she’s putting him through something, which only hurts all the more. And Kakashi knows that insisting too strongly is too unfair, too cruel when she seems so tired, no matter how much his blood boils. 

There was an attack, he figures that much, and he overhears more from a nurse. A drunk jounin who’d come across her on his way home. 

It’s dealt with swiftly, with the speed and efficiency Kakashi prides himself on, but it isn’t enough. He can’t forgive himself, even if she does.

She recovers soon enough, but only to a point. 

Her smile is gone. The openness she’d inspire in everyone around her, the joy she’d invite - it dwindles down to nothing. It’s all too much, too familiar, a sad story he’s seen up and close too many times. 

Any smile she makes now is a facsimile, a ghost of anything she could have offered previously. But her kindness still forces her to attempt it, no matter how much it hurts, when Kakashi looks at her. 

As impressive as her will is, it’s only finite. He berates himself as she breaks one night, and sobs into his chest.

But she doesn’t do it again. 

She doesn’t seem to do much of anything anymore. 

He has another mission. 

***

iv. 

Kakashi’s at the training grounds again. He’s here a lot these days. When there isn’t a mission, he’s got into the habit of putting his body through the wringer. It’s what he deserves, at the very least. Besides, he has a lot more free time than he used to. As the raindrops mix with his sweat, his lightning style blends just as seamlessly with the sky. 

“Do you think you could teach me that?” 

The voice is familiar. Gentle, just like it used to be. Shakier than it used to be, but there’s a faint hint of the quiet resolve he used to hear, that he was foolish enough to take for granted.

He pauses. The chakra he’d gathered in his hands dissipates, and he turns around. He’s no amateur, he knew he wasn’t alone. But he could tell his little observer wasn’t there to pose a threat, either. She watches him with her wide eyes, the wide eyes that historically and even now freeze him in place. She was never one to marvel at his ninjutsu before, only acquiescing or being impressed where appropriate, - and that’s not quite what she’s doing now, either. 

“Well -,” she holds her right arm with her left. It’s a normal gesture. One that would have endeared him, but only makes his heart sink now. Suddenly it’s difficult to watch her doubt herself. “Not that exactly. I don’t even want to do that even if I could. But anything you can teach me. It doesn’t have to be a lot. I think I’d be fine with a little. It’d be enough to feel better. If you don’t have too much on your plate.”

He’s watching her now, studying that expression in her eyes. Where she’s determined and defiant, even in that modest way. He believes her - she doesn’t want to learn a lot. She doesn’t want to be too much like him. But she’s allowing herself to learn from him. She’s letting herself take, not just give.

“Alright. Tomorrow, then. But let’s get you home first. It’s late, raining…,” his voice trails off, brushing off the rain from his hair sheepishly. “And I could use a break.”

She begins to smile that shy, powerful smile again. It’s sincere, and her ability to infect others with it seems to have returned. “That’s fine by me. I hear you’ve been overdoing it lately."

Kakashi finds himself grinning back.

_Do you think you could teach me that?_

It’s a simple question.


	8. 77. "Are you jealous?"/54. "I can't stand the thought of losing you"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You try to fix the distance you've been feeling from your boyfriend in a silly way, but it works out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh this one was another prompt that I really struggled with. It took so long to get out, I've been sick, I've had writer's block, I had to start/plan it differently a bunch of times - this one really didn't want to get it written. And now it's one of the longer ones. But it's really a lot of words with a lot of fluffy nothings happening. Hope you enjoy regardless.

It’d only lasted a second, but you could have sworn you’d seen it.

No. Though you had no proof before you, you _knew_ you’d seen it. You saw his fist clench - just for a moment - then his strong fingers uncurled, as if regaining composure. His eyebrows knitted to a point, furrowing nicely in that way you always found so attractive, but even that was quickly replaced with that familiar, relaxed gaze you were also charmed by. Even if you were a little disappointed to see it so soon.

But when you looked again, Kakashi had disappeared from the spot he’d occupied most of the night - leaning back with one foot against the wall, arms crossed as he pretended to read that stupid book of his. 

Could he have straight up teleported out of there, sick of this party, your shenanigans or both? You had to admit, you didn’t put it past him. But before you had the opportunity to explore your suspicions, a louder, less familiar voice reclaimed your thoughts. 

So, reluctantly, you shifted your attention back to the drink you’d been working on and the man in front of you. You hadn’t led him on - unless repeatedly mentioning your complete lack of availability fell under that category - but Kakashi didn’t know that. And though his apparent inability to take a hint was beginning to grate on you, you had to admit that it served nicely for something else. Nothing noble - namely, eliciting a damn reaction out of your frustratingly stoic boyfriend - but it seemed effective nonetheless. 

Not that it had stopped the pang of guilt creeping up from the pit of your stomach to your pounding chest. Though you were willing to deny your principles, even if only slightly, you really hadn’t meant to upset him. 

But you were no fool, either. 

You knew exactly what you were doing tonight.

You knew why you had come out, why you had chosen _this_ dress, and why you had asked that Kakashi come along tonight. 

At first, he had refused dismissively. Like he tended to do these days. But when he saw that you were set on going, with or without him, dressed like _that_ \- he suddenly decided that he ‘would tag along for a bit if you absolutely _insisted_ ’. You had smirked, amused at how he feigned like you were forcing him, but didn’t challenge him. 

You knew just how immature you were being. You were sure Kakashi did too, but it was very nice of him to let himself be swayed despite that, just this once. 

But it was the best you could do, considering the circumstances. Every date he had to cancel, every night he came back after you went to bed and every morning he was gone before you woke up - you were at your limit.

You were willing to get his attention in any way you could. 

The fact that he was currently out of sight was a mild dampener on your plan, but no matter - surely it was a sign that you’d succeeded, albeit a small one. 

It was big enough for you to decide to find him, anyway. Maybe, if you were lucky, you’d even manage to actually _talk_ to him about everything bothering you. Imagine that, an honest-to-God conversation! You didn’t think you were being too optimistic. 

You made to slip away from the stranger attempting to retain monopoly on your attention as politely as possible. Unfortunately, his alcohol-fuelled indignation appeared to have got the best of him, and he grabbed your wrist, holding you firmly in place. You tensed, but your pleasant smile barely had the chance to transform before you felt another hand on you. On your shoulder, this time, but it was familiar.

“Hey Y/N.”

Kakashi’s nonchalant voice alone quelled that surge of anger and fear that had been bubbling beneath you. When you looked up at him, your shoulders relaxed involuntarily. Not that you had needed him exactly. You could handle an overzealous drunk at the very least, but he had that knack for allowing you to just _breathe_. “Hi.”

Your nuisance’s confidence dissipated just as quickly as it gathered. Evidently, he hadn’t expected to encounter _the_ Kakashi Hatake tonight, especially not alongside you of all people. Kakashi hadn’t sounded threatening, not obviously anyway, but he didn’t need to. His reputation preceded him, and he counted on that fact - and sure enough, the other man let go of you immediately. 

“Is there a problem here?” Kakashi wondered. Only the gruff tone at the end of his question belied his (potentially) aggressive implications, but it was all he needed. 

“No! No problem at all!,” the other man assured, and moved back, suddenly very careful to observe his distance. 

It was amusing to see the change yourself, the intimidating effect Kakashi had on others without even trying. If you didn’t know him better, you’d have felt too scared to try and mess with him in the first place. 

“Glad to hear it! Now, if you’ll excuse us…,” his voice trailed off. He didn’t bother explaining himself further, or giving you time to argue, before pulling you away and through the crowd of people.

You almost stumbled, struggling to keep up with him in your heels. As much as you were happy to get the alone time you wanted, his hasty actions unnerved you a little. You noticed that his eyes were narrowed, the furrowed brow from before back with a vengeance. Was he actually angry? “Kakashi, wait! where are we -”

“Let’s just get some air.” 

You couldn’t deny that sounded nice, and the peace and quiet on the rooftop was a welcome change from the raucous energy of the party beneath it. But Kakashi didn’t say anything else. He only adopted a similar position to the one he’d had inside, leaning against the roof door with his arms folded and eyes closed.

The air was suddenly… dense. This was uncomfortable. You sighed, and he peered an eye open to look at you. Still saying nothing, but at least it was acknowledgement. Taking your cue to approach him, you attempted to make sense of your current situation.

“Are you jealous?”

You asked it before you knew what you were saying. In hindsight, it was a stupid question. You knew that. Even if there were any inkling of truth behind it (and you suspected there was), Kakashi would vehemently deny it. _No_. He was above that - _obviously._ He wouldn’t allow himself to be manipulated by your obvious behaviour, by an an emotion as petty and irrational as mere jealousy.

Even as his actions belied his words, as they so typically did, as he had placed that large hand on your shoulder and led you away from your latest admirer, in that powerful but completely lackadaisical way that only he was capable of. Never realising how imposing he could be until you were up close, but never betraying that control either. God forbid he ever show that you were capable of bothering him. 

When you glanced back at him, though, Kakashi was frowning again. His mask wasn’t the amazing obstacle he thought it was; you’d become quite adept at reading his expression through his eyes alone where others couldn’t. 

“Don’t be ridiculous,” he said flatly. The subtle growl that accompanied his final syllable contrasted with the joviality your question, and it caught you off-guard. You had been cheerful enough, even teasing, but his stern glare and suddenly intimidating stature (he was so good at hiding it) cut through the levity you’d tried to bring to the situation. Suddenly, you were confronted with every implication of your actions tonight. 

But you could only think of one acceptable way to shroud your nascent insecurity. Indignation and feigned confidence. “Why is it ridiculous?! Why did you pull me away like that if you weren’t?”

“Well, it seemed like he wasn’t getting it,” Kakashi shrugged. “Did I interrupt something?”

“No! But I could have handled it,” you sighed, but you didn’t have much faith in your words. You were sure you could have, probably, but you both knew you didn’t exactly hate the idea of him - specifically him - helping you like that. Even if you didn’t always like to admit it. 

He hummed, amused, and you felt like he might have been smirking under his stupid mask. “Well, that’s probably true. But you were too busy playing games to notice what was going on.”

“I wasn’t playing games,” you hissed. Yet again, your words felt empty. But you hated being so transparent. 

“If you say so. Care to enlighten me on what you were doing then?”

That scar that cut through his left eye, that was so engraved into his skin did an excellent job at cutting through your defences too. He was so good at seeing through you, you were surprised at the prospect of having to explain yourself. You had the inkling he just wanted you to admit it, the _asshole_ , regardless of what it would do to your dignity. “Well, I-I don’t know.” 

Kakashi folded his arms, as unimpressed by your response as you were taken aback. “Well, by all means, go back to him and figure it out.”

That was it. How willing he was to dismiss you, _again_. His tone sparked your own anger, and you were suddenly hit with the frustration of not just tonight, but of everything up until now. 

“Why are you being such a jerk about it? Don’t you understand that tonight is the most emotion I’ve had out of you in _weeks_? I’ve tried so hard to be patient, and now I’m trying to be more obvious, and maybe this wasn’t the best way of handling it, but you _don’t_ make it easy! You barely pay attention, then you act as if another man paying attention is meaningless, and then - Don’t you understand that I just _miss_ you, but you don’t _…,”_ your voice trailed off, and that dumbfounded wide-eyed stare Kakashi was giving you was the final straw. You were overwhelmed. You were exhausted. You were annoyed. How could he have the gall to look shocked while you bore your (admittedly, slightly nonsensical) soul to him? Your breath eventually caught up with your words, and the embarrassment at your rare tears and even rarer outburst lagged behind. You turned away. 

“Y/N, I didn’t mean to - I just. Hey. Don’t cry.” It was Kakashi’s turn to stumble over his words. His breath hitched. “I miss you too. I’m sorry.”

You didn’t say anything, though you couldn’t exactly grant his request. How were you supposed to stop crying, when this was the first time he’d shown any regret, any realisation, over your feelings tonight? Had he honestly no idea? On second thought, you didn’t doubt that after all. The concern in his voice was genuine, and you knew he was even worse at working through his feelings than you were. 

“I can’t stand the thought of losing you,” Kakashi whispered, just loud enough for you to hear. You turned back, something in that gravelly timbre of his voice pulling at your heartstrings. When you met his sincere gaze, he quickly closed the gap between you. When his thumbs moved to still your tears, your hands travelled to meet his. This was the closest you’d been in weeks. 

“You have a funny way of showing that,” you admitted with a sniff. 

He hesitated. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t figure out how to fix it. So with work, I let myself get distracted. I didn’t know what to do about… any of it”

His words and intent eyes render you touched, but ultimately, confused. You struggled to assuage both you and himself. “ _You’re_ the one that pulled away. Don’t you get that I don’t like the thought of losing you either? But at least I was doing something about it.”

“You think _that_ was doing something about it?” His tone was a little too accusatory, and he knew it, relenting with a sigh before you had a chance to argue your case again. “Right. You were. It wasn’t very effective, or sensible - I know, I know - but it was more than what I was doing.”

You remained silent, ruminating on his words. It was nice to hear, affirming to have some admission that you weren’t the only way, that you were justified in your feelings. But you knew you weren’t guiltless either. “But I’m sorry. It was stupid to make you jealous. I should have just talked to you.” 

“Yes, it was, and yes, you should have,” he agreed, a little _too_ readily. You rolled your eyes, but he leant in close, as if in response, completely aware of the fact that he made your cheeks flare up. He leant down, lips dangerously close to your ear now, and went on in that huskier whisper that sent a shiver up your spine. “But it did work. It drove me crazy. Seeing them all look at you like that. Seeing him look at you like that. Watching him trying to get close to you. When he tried to touch you. ”

Wait? Did Kakashi just say it worked? Did you finally get him to admit that he was _jealous_? You allowed yourself an internal cheer of triumph. “I knew it!” An external one, too. 

Never one to let you revel in your victories, least of all the petty ones, Kakashi stood up straight and went on. “ _Anyway._ I’m sorry for being as distant as I was. I’m the one who put you in that position. I suppose I should have just talked to you too.”

“You _suppose_?”

Kakashi chuckled, tugging his mask down. You saw a glimpse of that genuine, handsome, smile - and you realised how long it’s been since you’ve really seen it. You were still pondering it when he kissed you. It was soft, sweet, apologetic - but much too short, and he was pulling his mask up before you could protest. “It’s nice to be gracious, Y/N. You were right. For the most part. Can’t we leave it at that?”

You gave an obnoxious sigh before grinning at him. “I _suppose_.”

“Thank you. Now, can we _please_ go home already?”

You giggled, forgetting your self-consciousness for the moment, and placed a kiss on the masked part of his cheek. “Sure. Hey, make me a promise, though?”

He looked at you expectantly, even a bit apprehensive. 

You reached up, your lips just as dangerously close to the shell of his ear as his had been to yours, and whispered. “Do you promise to make up for the distance, if I promise to make up for _driving you crazy?”_

Kakashi didn’t say anything, but you got the feeling that he didn’t have a problem with your terms. Something in the way he led you out, just as he had led you away from that nuisance. Something in the way he’d picked you up and carried you to bed that night, and in the way he held you close afterwards, his grip unrelenting. Something in that smile that you had missed so much, that was only for you.

It only lasted for a second, but you could have sworn you’d seen it. 


	9. 15. "Don't die on me. Please."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cw: character death, miscarriage

Why did it always feel too soon, each time he let you go?

You remember it, the first time it happened. 

How could you not? Little, insignificant, as it might have been to some - to him, if he could convince himself - to you, it was momentous. Lasting only a second, where his calloused fingers had brushed against yours, softer than his, yes, but no less enduring. The normally aloof eye, the only one he seemed to show without hesitation, was intent, the obsidian endless in its depth. 

But - out of courtesy to him, or some kind of self-preservation - you’d paid it no mind. Or kept up that pretence, anyway. You found your footing as quickly as you’d lost it, stumbling away from his support no matter how reluctant you were to do so. The gratitude you’d muttered was enough and it seemed like you’d made the right choice; when that quietly shrewd eye of his turned away from you and his strong hands let you go in the same movement. He never let you bask in your own clumsiness, but that somehow made you feel worse. His nonchalance was excruciating. As if he hadn’t just saved you and made it look effortless. As if his touch alone hadn’t frozen you in place. 

As if it never happened at all. 

_(It never should have happened at all.)_

But still, you remember it. The moon’s luminosity the perfect backdrop, illuminating that wild silver hair as he turned away from you. 

_(It was all so disgustingly poetic.)_

It took longer than it should have for you to turn away in kind. But you did. Eventually. You made the awkward trek back to camp before him, the internal rambling of your self-berating your only company. It grew louder each time you looked back, stealing little glances against your own will.

It was so loud that you didn’t notice much else.

Not even Kakashi stealing glances back at you, for instance. 

***

Why did your breath hitch, even when the air had never been more tranquil?

You remember. 

How he always did that, you still don’t know. Perfect timing, though you never appreciated just _how_ perfect until he was gone again. 

_(You should have learnt to count your blessings.)_

Without a trace, and so quickly, unceremoniously, that the entire encounter might well have been a mirage. It still might have been.

_(Maybe it’d been better that way.)_

You’d had enough. You didn’t think it through much further, and your desperation triumphed over your cautiousness as you sought out the bar exit. The mission, against all odds, was a success. And, against all better judgement, you were dragged along to the accompanying celebration. The atmosphere should have been infectious, you should have smiled more, you should have enjoyed yourself. 

Then again, you couldn’t find much to celebrate. Mistakes - your mistakes - had piled up. Your team completed the mission despite you, not because of you. The liability, not the heroine. 

_(In hindsight, would it really have been so terrible if things ended for you there?)_

You’d exhaled dramatically as you made your escape, a feeble attempt to expel all the guilt and shame you’d retained, or tried to retain, up until now. 

You still remember the lilt of his voice, smooth and somehow jovial, but never losing that gravelly undertone, as you walked around the corner. How could you ever forget it? No matter how lax he sounded, or tried to sound, the severity lurking underneath always cut you deep.

 _Are you alright_ , he’d asked, already knowing the answer. With that signature one-eyed smile, he pretended to believe your response. And you pretended, in turn, that his smile didn’t have had the effect on you it did. 

You didn’t exchange that many words as he walked you home, but somehow, it was enough. Though he was always careful with what he revealed, it was enough. He understood - much more than he let on, you suspected - but it was enough.

You didn’t hate yourself quite as much anymore, and - well, it wasn’t too much of a stretch - it didn’t seem like he hated you either. Something in the way his hand squeezed your shoulder, lingering for a moment, just before he saw you off. Was he reluctant to let go? 

Maybe. 

You slept better that night. 

You’d find out later, that, miraculously, Kakashi did too. 

***

Why did you feel so secure, sharing in all that suffering?

You remember.

_(Why had you been so stupid?)_

You’d almost dropped your flowers, when you saw him standing there, facing the memorial stone. It shouldn’t have been shocking; you’d heard gossip, in passing, about how much time he spent here. You’d also heard, in passing, how late he tended to be. Putting two and two together, you never held the latter against him. 

You understood, after all. You'd understood all the more as your eyes bore into his back. Something in the way he curled and uncurled his fists, the way he sighed, the way his straightened back gradually hunched. 

As far back as you could recall, your attitude to graveyards was… ambivalent. You’d avoid them whenever you could, not out of any tendency to be spooked or anything like that. You just couldn’t bring yourself to leave. It was peaceful, to be immersed somewhere so solemn, with such dense air - but the gravity of it also chained your feet there like an anchor. You knew each time you were there, regardless of your own volition, wouldn’t be the last. So if anyone were to empathise with this particular way he chose to punish himself, it was you.

_(And now you would take it on twofold in his stead. What a joke.)_

“You don’t often come here,” he’d said quietly, matter-of-factly. Devoid of judgement, though he didn’t bother to face you. 

“No. I probably don’t spend as much time here as I should…,” your voice trailed off, and found new confidence, when you watched him stare at that stone. Hopelessly. You didn’t know all the details. But you didn’t need to. All you knew that it was simultaneously frustrating and pitiful. “And you probably spend too much.”

This time, he glanced back over his shoulder. You couldn’t exactly see through his mask, but he seemed… amused? “How do you figure that?”

“Call it a hunch.”

He chuckled, satisfied, and stepped back to give you room. “Then, I guess we balance each other out.”

“What a pair we are.” 

“Right. Well, I better-“

You still don’t know why you decided to grab his wrist that day, when he turned to leave. You still don’t know why you couldn’t bring yourself to let go, either. 

You still don’t know why Kakashi decided to stay. 

***

Why did you flit so rapidly from anger to elation, and why was it always because of him?

You remember.

In hindsight, it had been your fault. 

_(What the fuck else was new?)_

_Retreat. Get out of here._ It had been a simple order. But it had felt impossible, when the enemy appeared from behind, jutsu blaring, its raw power visible, that disgusting snarl on its wielders’ face - aiming for _him_.

You didn't think. You _couldn’t_ think. You leapt in front of the attack within seconds, and your plan ended there. 

The same couldn’t be said for your captain. With his signature finesse, with a rare scowl - you couldn't tell who it was aimed at - you were moved away, and the enemy deflected, in the same movement. 

The battle had come to an end shortly after, through no fault of your own. It took all you had, but you bit your tongue as he scolded you, in front of your comrades, quietly healing your wound. 

You had acted for _his_ sake. 

_(How futile.)_

Apparently, that meant nothing to him, not even worthy of acknowledgement. It wasn’t like you had expected gratitude - but for a man known for his stoicism to blow up, and because of you - it made you livid in turn. 

The journey back had been silent, seemingly just so you could bask in your own shame. 

So, when you were back in the sanctuary of your home, nursing your injury, your failure, and your pride - you hadn’t expected to hear a knock.

Nor had you expected him. Headband missing, brow furrowed and glaring at you in that way you couldn’t understand, much less accept. You’d made a mistake - of disobeying orders, of recklessness, of _caring_ \- but why the hell did he care in turn? 

“What?” You had hissed, unable to contain the outrage of his interruption of your little haven. Not that it made it any easier to look at him. “You’re here to admonish me again?”

“What the hell was that?” He growled in turn. “You disobeyed my orders and almost got yourself _killed_.”

“I-,” your voice shook, tears pricked your eyes - he was _right_ , even if it pained you to admit it, but it wasn’t _fair_. The space between you had shrunk. He was so close now that you saw the rise and fall of his broad chest beneath his vest - apparently just as outraged as you. You had never seen him like this before. “Why are you so mad at me? I was just trying to - I thought-”

“Am I supposed to factor in every one of your impulses? Why did you do that?”

You remember how you heard his heartbeat, pounding - pounding just as loud as yours was. And it depleted your inhibitions. “Because - because you were in danger, you _asshole_!”

You remember how he had gently grabbed your injured wrist, just as you were about to shove him. You’d anticipated his reflexes, but you couldn’t have anticipated his expression, when you finally met his gaze. You remember how swiftly he’d pulled down his mask, but you couldn’t have anticipated just how breathtaking he’d be, either. Nor how it could feel when he kissed you - _finally_.

When Kakashi moved to pull away, of course, _of course_ , you moved to pull him right back. 

***

Why did you always let him leave?

You remember.

_(If you knew how it would end, you never would have let him. Better still, maybe you never should have let him enter in the first place.)_

Safe.

You’d never felt so safe. 

When he’d appear and reappear at your apartment - the _window_ , never the door, despite your half-hearted protests - waving with that stupid, _adorable_ , one-eyed smile. He knew you’d saunter over, sliding it open with a matching grin, every time without fail. 

_(You always did. That much, you did.)_

When he’d laugh, when you told him about your mishaps. You’d laugh at his in kind - though it didn’t suit you, and you replaced it with your usual sympathetic ear. When you’d accompany him to the memorial stone, and pull him way just at the right time. When he’d pull you away, too. 

_(What a fool.)_

When he’d unmask himself around you, and you pretended not to notice, like it didn’t floor you. When you watched him struggle to decide whether he was relieved or offended. When he kissed you, in that indescribable way that wavered between tentative and determined, soft and powerful, usually choosing the perfect time to flit to the latter, making your knees buckle in the process.

_(What a fool.)_

When he’d undress you, and no matter how desperate he’d seem, how he always paused to take you in. When he’d move in you, filling your heart and body so much that you thought you might burst. When he’d hold you just that little bit closer, tighter, longer every time.

_(What a fool.)_

Even when he’d leave, sometimes after you’d fallen asleep, sometimes before - sometimes in the morning - when he’d leave for a day, a week, a month - you felt safe.

Because you knew, in the deep recesses of your heart, that each time you saw him wouldn’t be the last.

_(What a fucking fool.)_

You remember the first time he said it. Quietly, earnestly, unceremoniously. 

“I love you,” Kakashi had murmured into your ear one night, when he was so, so sure you were sleeping. 

***

Why did you ever dare think you had any cause for _optimism_?

You remember.

The two lines, glaring upwards and through you, from that unremarkable little piece of plastic. They’d ran parallel - you thought it apt, just like your trepidation and your excitement. The lines would never meet, though. 

_(How apt.)_

You’d been happy. That was what had shocked you most, save only for the very fact of you being in this situation in the first place. But behind the fear, there it was. A little glow, a nucleus of hope and future nascent deep in your centre, spread through your heart and speckled to your fingertips, your face, your smile - that paired flawlessly with the little bundle of meaning, the combination of you and him budding in your belly. 

_(Buds drop off before blooming all the time.)_

You thought it’d be easy. 

_(How stupid.)_

You thought you could share it all with him right away. 

_(You wished.)_

But there was a part of you that faltered, when he’d show up at your window in that deceptively lax way. The words stuck in your throat, whenever he asked you if you were alright. The ease of his question didn’t match the weight of the truth. It almost felt… cruel. 

Maybe his fears would eclipse yours, and all that euphoria you’d harboured would dissolve. Maybe he’d be angry, though you suspected that even if he were, it’d be short lived. Maybe you’d end up keeping him from his duty. 

_(Maybe you were just a coward.)_

Regardless, your hands would float to your stomach whenever they weren’t occupied. Regardless, your mind would conjure up a future, remiss of your own will, an idyllic scene of a child, a marriage, something so sickly sentimental that you wanted to scold yourself. Regardless, it gave you hope.

It was enough, you’d decided. You'd get over it, face him and your fears, because what was waiting on the other side was so good that you’d forget that you had any in the first place. You’d do it. 

You’d tell Kakashi the next time you saw him. 

***

Why did it always feel too soon, each time he let you go?

You remember it, the last time it happens.

How could you not? The moon’s luminosity the perfect backdrop, incandescent, illuminating that wild silver hair, that crimson eye, that tired eye. His blood gleams under its splendour, under the green light that emanates fruitlessly from your delicate, shaking fingers. Softer than his, but no less enduring. 

It’s all so disgustingly poetic.

He refuses to scream, or shout - just whisper your name, in that restrained, ever-abiding tone. It’s never made you want to scream out more in his turn. You would have done anything to absorb it all in its stead. 

“What are you doing here?” he demands, as if he has the energy to. As if you can answer. As if you don’t see the wounds, the bloodshot-eyes, that compliance of his own mortality. His hand - the one that you were stupid enough to trust in, to think was strong - clenches around yours, calloused, then weakens, loosening its grip. He follows it with another impossible, familiar order. “Get out of here.”

“Shut up. Don’t die on me - please,” you beg, coughing up your words in between the sobs that spill forth, onto his face. The ache, the deep, sharp cramp in your hips, the agonising spark that spreads throughout your lower body, and you repeat your futile mantra two-fold. 

_(It hurt. It hurt so much.)_

“Y/N, I- I’m sorry,” he begins, moving to use his dwindling force to brush away your healing fingers, “it’s too late for that. Just get somewhere safe. Please.” 

“Shut up,” you repeat. You gasp hoarsely, reinforcing your grip. The pain deepens, in the pit of your throat, your heart, and in your womb, amalgamating together inextricably in some hellish concoction just for you and you alone. “Shut up.”

“I’m sorry,” he repeats. His eyes lid, and suddenly that scar never seems so cutting. It’s all so obvious. He just looks so tired, so… resigned. As if he’s been waiting for this. “I love you.”

“I love you too. So you can’t-”

“It’s over. You know it as well as I do.” 

Somewhere, somewhere deep down, you always knew. You knew, but never wanted to admit it. He’d made his peace with dying, long before you ever met, and you can’t hold him back any longer. It almost feels… cruel. 

_(Not as cruel as him.)_

His hand drops, dropping with a graceless thud against your damp thigh. “Y-you’re covered in blood. That’s all mine…?”

“Yes,” you lie, voice as thick as the mixture of blood and tears that stain both you and him. “Don’t worry about me.”

He stops - and you almost think he’s going to call you out, like he’s done so many times before. 

_(You wish he would.)_

You’ve never been able to dupe him. But instead, his eyes crinkle at the corners.

_(You love him. You love him so much.)_

He smiles that hidden smile, one last time. 

His fingers that fight with yours give up, one last time.

He whispers your name, one last time. 

Why did it always feel too soon, each time Kakashi let you go?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! It's been a while!! A lot has been going on for me, and things are finally starting to calm down. Happy (belated) new year to you all! Apologies if this piece is super rusty, it was me finally trying to get into writing after a long while... With mixed results. 
> 
> Also, I'm trying a lot of new things in this. It's supposed to be montage-y, and circular, with the brackets showing the reader's thoughts in the present as she reflects on the past. Please let me know what you think of this one, because it is VERY angsty, and I'm not used to writing this way either. 
> 
> Oh, also, the next request on my list features Yamato, just in case the next time you see this updated and you're excited to read about Kakashi - it won't be about him. We'll go back to him afterwards though :)


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